hello (:

I was in such a sour mood just now. I guess when I'm stressed, my brain goes into high speed modem and it processes things by cutting them into small bits and pieces, over-thinking and over-analyzing everything down to the tiniest detail. I know why I was so moody just now. It's because of unmet expectations. I suppose I was expecting you to be more 'there' after your exams for and with me. But you weren't. You were on Facebook and all that, talking to ailin and all that and it never crossed your mind to even just whatsapp me? And I had to contact you first, which I feel is so one-sided. Argh, you see now I'm a clingy bitch with expectations. -.-

Feelings- they come easily and pass us slower. It's hard quantify it like how we calculate distance or depth and so, the question is how do we really know what we like/want/need? Facades- sometimes the face you put on everyday blurs your perception of reality.

I suppose what I'm trying to say is that although I may come across as a 'strong' person, one who always says that she does not take things too personally, one who doesn't get affected by things easily- what if I say that only to keep reminding myself that I must think in that manner?

because I do get emotionally attached easily, I do take things too personally, I do get hurt easily, I am vulnerable, my thoughts are messy and my heart is messed.

It is from my past experiences that make me who I am today.

A person has broken my heart before, so I guard it with all that I can 

A person has affected me so badly that I changed my future because of it, so I say I do not get affected by things easily (anymore)

A person has let me down till I had to crawl my way out, so I say that I'll never be weak again.

A person has blatantly lied to my face before and I stupidly fell for it over and over again, so I like to be in control of situations.

I do depend on people, I like to depend on people, I like consistencies, and I like to jump into things. 

And so now, I feel secondary. Secondary to you. I just wana know if we are on the same page. I mean, please be honest with me. If all we are are just f buddies, rave buddies, then it's best to tell me now so I can detach myself. Because I feel as though I am getting too emotionally attached to you that it scares me. The slightest thing about you can affect my mood drastically, and I don't like to feel vulnerable, not again. I'm not even asking you if you like me, because even I don't know the answer to that. What I'm asking you is- do you see us having a future or is it just a sydney thing?

You can tell me the truth W and trust that I will not take it personally. hahah we will still be the same as ever before, just now with no expectations or with expectations. If the answer is 'no', then please treat me the same as before, because I can detach myself as easily as I attach myself to things. Some may advise me not to do this, not to be so up-front about my thoughts and all that. but really, this is what I do. I jump the gun, I rush into things, I push nature, I hurry cupid, I'm an impatient bitch. But most of all, I like being on the same page. So tell me, to flip back the pages or to stay.

sigh. i am so whipped.

i need a happy post! (:

i've reunited with my best girl friend in sydney-germaine low! best food and drinks whenever she's around! i realise i'm not so much a girl-girl friend person. I only have 5 good close girl friends and they are ailin, jerilyn, melissa, kathi (some may count her out) and germs! germs and i came to a conclusion the other day- we're both very logical people and we like to take things with a pinch of salt. We're normal, and the world is just being crazy. HAHAH! typical conversations. missed you germlow

Halloween is coming! Ailin and I are going to shop for our costume tmr, hopefully we can come up with something original and cheap! hahaha I'm so broke now, I swear even the homeless is richer than I am because of their allowance by the government. grr my daddy doesnt want to send me money anymore. I guess this starts to happen once you're graduating. ):

PMS is finally over! I used to proudly say that I don't get affected by PMS. but this month, i did! and was it bad. one minute i was crying, the next i was laughing and then i was angry. ahhhhh! hormones are raging. -.-

anyway, on a side topic, w has been in sydney and he wrote me an email the other day. i dont know how i should reply to it, because really there is nothing much to say. It's always been my motto where i don't regret/look back on my past and decisions. So whats done is done and after i made up my mind, i hardly ever turn back. it's hard for me to stay as 'just friends' because i'll always find myself feeling uncomfortably over-sensitive/annoyed with the little things but i'll try. i hope that we can remain friends-

I'm starting to question my walk with God as well. Today W question it. that ass. HAHAH I guess it's just all based on faith and i'll never renounce my faith in God, i think it's just a matter of time before i go back to him. I just need that push and hunger. I realised that it's not that i don't love God, i do with all my heart. but it's that i do not fear him enough as my God that that's why i'm so far away from him right now. sighhh i have to get back on track.

good night sweeties <3

it hurts, it really does. but i'll move on, that's all i can do now can't i.
i can put on a smile, i can laugh, i can pretend that it's all okay, but i can't win back your heart.
and it hurts.

I suppose on hindsight, we were living in a world that doesnt exist. my mummy says: how can you expect a guy to do long distance for you when you both are so young. but i thought that love can come when you're young. oh wells. i guess some things just help you make the decision for you.

but i'll like to say this to you, my last letter from me to you, because i'll never be able to say this to you in person.  

Thank you sicko for all the good times we shared. you made my 2010 perfect and i wouldn't have it any other way. Thank you for making me able to love someone fully again and although things didnt work out with us, at least i know that i am capable of loving another. Thank you for showing me the East. (HAHAH or i probably wouldn't have been to east coast mackers ever). Thank you for being ever so patient with me even when i throw my temper. Thank you for believing in this relationship so much that you came down to sydney to visit. Thank you for doing the last four months of long distance with me. Thank you for loving me just the way i am, and thank you for the last 8 months.

You are a great boyfriend, one that always tries to make your girlfriend smile, laugh and just to feel special and safe in your arms. i hope you never lose that silly grin on your face, and that romantic thoughts in your head. I hope you never lose your big dreams and i hope that you wont feel lonely again. And i hope that you find the one that makes you smile, laugh and love with all your heart. Even though it's not me, I will be happy for you. and lastly, i hope that you never settle for someone/anyone else, because you're too good for that. 

you will forever and always be irreplaceable in my heart sicko, i hope you never forget that. i will always be here for you if you need me to. Being friends, would be great.

Don't worry, i still believe that there's a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. (:

love, kristi